As I sent the kids back to school this week, after what seemed to be an extra-long break with a lot of rain, I had mixed emotions. Extended time with my 3 will do that. I felt sad that all the excitement of the holiday was over. Happy that the kids got to see their friends and teachers and get back to a normal routine. Thankful to get a little time alone. Relieved that I could actually sit down for more than 5 seconds. But guilty for feeling good about being away from my kids, guilty that stress led me to yell more than I should have over the past 2 weeks, guilty that I didn’t spend enough quality time with each kid, guilty that I didn’t do as much work with Katie. And sad that our break from school looked the way it did. Then I went there…

School breaks can be a bit stressful for the most professional mommies out there, but when you have child with special needs it can be overwhelming. Katie either eats or tube feeds every 2 hours making outings difficult. Not impossible, we definitely do our fair share of feeding on the go. But we tend to stay home a lot and the walls start to close in.

Another item on the agenda at my pity party was the realization that Katie is getting bigger and harder to care for.   She is now 11 years old and no longer a little girl. Recently her legs seem to be growing like weeds, and the extra inches make walking more difficult for her. Around the house Katie is not in her wheelchair, she crawls, we walk her or carry her. She needs her braces and shoes on to walk, but needs them off to crawl. I don’t always take the time to put them on and take them off, so I will carry her more than I should. And that, my friends, takes a toll on this 41 year old body. School breaks bring complete exhaustion, a sore back and aching everything. Lifting her out of the tub, up onto the extended changing table, and even helping her out of bed is getting difficult.  Just going outside to play breaks a sweat on even the coldest days.  One trip to put a blanket in the yard, another to get some toys, then back again to put on Katie’s shoes and braces so we can walk (I’m pooped just typing that).  By the time we sit, for what seems to be 2 seconds, it’s time to go feed again.

One day last week I got lost in a thought. What would our day look like if Katie were a typical 11 year old? She would be the big sister, the ring leader calling out, “Drew and Lexi, let’s go jump on the trampoline” and out the door the 3 would run. She and her cousins would have a blast since they are closer to her age. I wouldn’t feel torn between these two worlds. The world of carless fun seizing every second and the world of tube feedings, medication, responsibility and challenges. But then God said, “You have the best of both worlds.” So I snapped out of it and decided it was time to count my blessings. I didn’t write all of that to make you feel sorry for me, but to show that it is normal and okay to “go there” every once and while. I believe it is healthier to “go there” with whatever your challenge in life is in small spurts rather than bottling it up and exploding all at once.

I had to get my mind right. It is a conscious effort to refocus my train of thoughts. And then at a weekly mass Father helped me do just that. He said even though all the hoopla of Christmas is over in the world around us, Christmas had really just begun. Have you ever thought about the song “The 12 Days of Christmas”? In the Catholic church the weeks leading up to Christmas are advent, the season of Christmas doesn’t really begin until Dec. 25^th and lasts for 12 days ending on January 6^th, the Epiphany. That’s the day the wise men finally made it to Jesus. In our church we don’t even light the Christmas tree until Jesus’ actual birthday. So as we rush to put all the decorations away and storeowners fill their shelves with Valentine goodies we are taking away from the spiritual side of the holiday. I needed this to lift my spirits out of my gloom and doom.

Father also said something during this homily that made me think about my New Year’s Resolutions, that long daunting list of things I stick to for about 3 weeks. I decided this year my list is going to be very short. If I pick the right one then won’t all those others fall into place? Father had said something interesting about the song, “The 12 Days of Christmas” so I researched it’s true meaning. It was written at a time when Catholics in England were put to death for practicing their religion. The song is coded and each word represents a tenet of faith. Its purpose was to help children remember their faith in secret so they wouldn’t be persecuted. “On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me…”  The true love referred to in this song is Jesus’ love, because true Love was born on Christmas Day.

My 1 New Year’s Resolution for 2015 is to Love like God loves, that love He sent us on Christmas day. If I put my focus on Him I don’t need to write exercise 4 times a week on a list, because I will realize God gave me this one body and I need to take care of it. I won’t have to add go to church every Sunday because my love for Christ will draw me there. I won’t have to put all this pressure on myself if I can just get my priorities straight. If God is first everything else falls into place.

If I love Katie with God’s love then caring for her is not so daunting.  Jesus never thought of His own needs, He always put others first. Remember at the last supper, He actually washed the feet of His disciples. So God’s love is a love of serving others. Putting others wants and needs above our own. During the break I got caught up in putting my wants and needs first. I wanted Katie to be normal so life wasn’t so difficult. But that is not love, it is being human, but it’s not love.
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My 1 New Year’s Resolution does have bullet points, since being concise is not my strong point. To focus more on God’s love I will remember…

-God’s love brings gratitude. If I always see the great gifts in my life my heart will overflow.

-that love can only grow if I spend quality time with My Lord.

-God’s love is always found in others. It is a true blessing to give myself to others through being attentive to their needs.

-simplicity is always best. God’s love is not found in possessions or my iphone, it is right here in the things closest to my heart.

photo courtesy Emily Kuhn

So when the next school break rolls around hopefully my attitude will be different. My focus will be on sharing God’s love with others not centered on my exhaustion or all the things I would rather be doing. It will be focused on the family that God so graciously gave me in all it’s perfection.