I’ve been having way too many pity parties lately. The one thought I continuously hear in my head is, “Why do I have to always suck it up and put a smile on my face when on the inside I am screaming WHY ME, WHY HER, WHY US? Why do our lives have to be such hard work all the time?”
People sometimes say, “I don’t know how your family does it?” And lately I have been thinking, neither do I.Katie has grown 5 inches and gained about 10 pounds over the past few years and it is taking a toll on her. She isn’t able to walk as well and that takes a toll on us. That time I always thought was in the future is in the present, it is a physical challenge to care for Katie.
Katie and her classmate touring the middle school they will attend next school year.
She is also entering middle school next year, need I say more? I am an emotional basket case! There is no way my precious little girl is that old. I know that is a united feeling among mommies of 5th graders across the world, but it is intensified in a parent of a child with special needs. Their impairments are magnified among their typical middle school peers. In the world of special needs, children growing older is difficult. So I ask, “How God, How are we supposed to do this? She is only getting bigger and we are only getting older!”
And the answer came to me in prayer so very clearly, “When you take time to listen to Me and follow My will, I give you that amazing superhuman ability.” And He does! It is not me that “does it”, it is only God. Whenever I listen to God and allow Him to lead my inner voice these thoughts fade and I am able to “just do it”. And at those times the smile on my face is a reflection of the smile on my heart.
“Jesus said to his disciples: “I am the true vine, and my Father is the vine grower. He takes away every branch in me that does not bear fruit, and everyone that does he prunes so that it bears more fruit.” John
The fruit is patient endurance. I can look back on my life and clearly recognize when I am listening to God and when I am listening to myself. When I allow my own inner thoughts to take over, they are just pitiful, filled with negativity, moaning and groaning. But when I allow God to talk, it is only beauty and peace.
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“You are already pruned because of the word that I spoke to you. Remain in me, as I remain in you. Just as a branch cannot bear fruit on its own unless it remains on the vine, so neither can you unless you remain in me. I am the vine, you are the branches. Whoever remains in me will bear much fruit, because without me you can do nothing…If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask for whatever you want and it will be done for you.”
So if I follow God’s will and stick to the vine why do bad things happen? He said if I remain in him I can ask for whatever I want…right? I think it has to do with that word “pruning”.
Over the past week I have witnessed several sad tragedies, a precious neighbor died way too young, my best friend lost her daddy after 12 agonizing days and two relatives are nearing the end of this life on earth with a lot of pain and suffering. It is so difficult to understand why these bad things happen to people who serve the Lord. When we prune a plant we are cutting away its branches. Ouch! God is constantly pruning us, allowing us to endure pain to bring us closer to Him.
Lexi, my 6 year old, made a profound statement when I told her I was going to spend time with my friend who was sad because her daddy was sick…Lexi said, “Why is Aunt Ju Ju sad? Her daddy is about to go live in heaven, that is happy.” It was one of those beautiful moments of clarity. We don’t serve God to have an easy life on earth, we serve Him for the beautiful reward in heaven.
In this above verse when He says, “…ask for whatever you want and it will be done for you” I don’t think He means ask for Katie to be cured and it will instantly be done. I think He wants me to ask for His will to be done and He will give me the strength to bear the difficult times. That strength truly is a divine intervention. Alone I am nothing, alone I feel sorry for myself, but when I get out of the way and allow God to work in me He does it all for me and my pity party is replaced with a celebration of love for Katie.
Cindy,
Just so you will know, we have not moved forward with our Parent Consultant position. I really can’t tell you why other than I feel I know that there truly is a perfect fit for our families – someone with caring, heart and wonderful communication skills. I have a needle point in my office that my sister made for me years ago during some particular tough times which states: “We weren’t promised an easy life. We were promised help to live it.” What is funny is that somehow there is an old brown stain on the needle point and it just happens to be in the location where it appears as a storm cloud from which the rainbow comes. It always reminds me that no matter what, no matter how troublesome, God’s promise is always with us.
After reading your most recent blog and seeing Drew’s statement, I was reminded of a recent story on God Up Dates which you probably have heard but still bears relating:
There was a woman who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness and had been given three months to live. So as she was getting her things “in order” she contacted her pastor and had him come to her house to discuss certain aspects of her final wishes. She told him which songs she wanted sung at the service and what scriptures she would like read. And of course, what outfit she wanted to be buried in.
The woman also requested to be buried with her favorite Bible. Everything was in order and the pastor was about to leave when the woman suddenly remembered something very important to her.
“There’s one more thing,” she said excitedly.
“What that’s” asked the pastor.
“I want to be buried with a fork in my right hand.”
The pastor stood very still looking at the woman not knowing what to say. “That surprises you, doesn’t it?” the woman asked.
“Well, to be honest, I’m puzzled by your request.” he said.
The woman explained. “In all my years of attending church socials and potluck dinners, I always remember that when the dishes of the main course were being cleared, someone would inevitably lean over and say, ‘Keep your fork.’ It was my favorite part because I knew that something even better was coming…like velvety chocolate cake or deep-dish apple pie. Something wonderful! So, I just want people to see me there in my casket with my fork in my hand and wonder, ‘What’s with the fork?’ Then I want you to tell them: “Keep your fork…the best is yet to come!”
The pastor’s eyes began to well-up with tears of joy as he hugged the woman goodbye. He knew this would be one of the last times he would see her before her death. But he also knew that the woman had a better grasp of heaven than he did. She KNEW that something better was coming!
At the funeral, friends were walking by the woman’s casket and they saw the pretty dress she was wearing and her Bible by her side and the fork placed in her right hand. Over and over, the pastor heard the question, “What’s with the fork?” And over and over, he smiled.
During his message, the pastor told the people of the conversation he had with the woman shortly before she died. He also told them about the fork and what it symbolized. By his own admittance, the Pastor has not been able to forget what this woman shared with him and he doubts anyone who attended that day would either.
So, be encouraged…the BEST IS YET TO COME!!
Take care and have you all in my prayers,
Randy Hebson
That was beautiful, I actually have never heard that story. It is so true, life is just hard sometimes and I think so often we question why, but I know this life is not our reward…God in Heaven is where we will finally feel perfect. Thank you so much for sharing that!!