Mommy Guilt

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Is it seriously almost July?? On some days summer seems to be flying by, but on others…you know those “I’m SO Bored” days, it is as if the second hand on my watch is taking 60 hours to circle. At the beginning of June I challenged myself to a New Summer Attitude. One filled with appreciating each moment and being truly present to my children, rather than my normal, “When are these kids going back to school?” attitude. But in this quest for a new attitude I have discovered one issue that is sucking the life out of me…Mommy Guilt.

As I’m cleaning the kitchen after breakfast the inner voice starts, “Clean up later, play with your kids now!” So I do, then the voice says, “This playing is great, but Katie needs to be working on communication!” So I switch gears, then the voice responds to my son complaining that I never play with him, “You don’t, bless his heart, that poor 3^rd child! Oh and by the way, your house is a wreck, there are still breakfast dishes in the sink!” Then the cycle starts back at the beginning and continues all day long with me never accomplishing anything. Nothing I do is ever enough for ME!

I have an image of what a “good” mom is supposed to be, she’s featured in those Mother’s Day Hallmark commercials. She is patient 24/7 and NEVER yells at her kids, her home always looks as if her entire extended family is coming over, she always has healthy meals and would never think about using spray sunscreen. And guess what? On most days I feel the polar opposite of this mom, because my life is not “normal”.

Instead my oldest daughter is tube fed manufactured formula and many of our summer days are spent at the doctor’s office or therapy rather than licking popsicles in a hammock. I often think, I’d be a better mom if my life was “normal”. The guilt is intensified by Katie’s impairments. I know in my heart there is a neurological reason she can’t talk or walk independently, but I often wonder why I can’t fix it all by pushing harder. I ask myself, if she had a different mother would she be doing more in life. That inner voice is exhausting!!

Kesar: is an aphrodisiac and a sexual stimulant, a nervine tonic buy cialis cheap that possesses anti fatigue and destressing property. Are you looking cute-n-tiny.com cialis generic uk to eliminate erectile dysfunction from men. This sildenafil citrate contained medicine has great strength to treat ED symptoms as the viagra levitra cialis has. It is not an aphrodisiac that means it will not take effect cute-n-tiny.com generic levitra 20mg without being stimulated. So I pray, and recall a conversation I had with my priest a few years back (because yes, my mommy guilt is an ongoing issue). I asked him if guilt is from God or if it is just made up in my head. He said you truly have to look at the cause, guilt can actually be a grace from God when we are doing something wrong. But feeling guilty because you don’t live up to an image you set for yourself (hello, Hallmark commercial) comes from your ego…WHAT? He said when you are focusing on an image of perfection you are too focused on what you appear to be and that leads to false guilt.

We were each made in the likeness of God so when we set unreasonable goals and then beat ourselves up for not obtaining them it is like a slap in Gods face. It is the same as saying God you messed up, I’m no good. But He never messes up! The false guilt stills my joy, it constantly distracts me from living in the moment and enjoying my perfectly not so normal life. I’m too busy thinking about what I SHOULD be doing.

I don’t think I’m alone in my mommy guilt, I recently saw a video of moms watching their kids on camera talk about why they loved them. Each mom sobbed in disbelief, they couldn’t believe the special moments and attributes the kids were describing. If I could only see myself through my children’s eyes. Every day is dedicated to them, I am the only mommy they will ever have and in their tiny world I am the center. If Katie could speak I know she would say you are doing enough Mommy, you love me and that is more than enough.

As I strive for this New Summer Attitude I have to also look through Gods forgiving eyes. He does not have unreasonable expectations, He simply wants me to get up every day and LOVE. It is that plain and simple! It is okay if Legos line my stairs and my kids eat an occasional Oreo, as long as live for Him. As long as I never take one moment for granted and stop “guilting” my life away.

Pity Party

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I’ve been having way too many pity parties lately. The one thought I continuously hear in my head is, “Why do I have to always suck it up and put a smile on my face when on the inside I am screaming WHY ME, WHY HER, WHY US? Why do our lives have to be such hard work all the time?”

People sometimes say, “I don’t know how your family does it?” And lately I have been thinking, neither do I.Katie has grown 5 inches and gained about 10 pounds over the past few years and it is taking a toll on her. She isn’t able to walk as well and that takes a toll on us. That time I always thought was in the future is in the present, it is a physical challenge to care for Katie.

Katie and her classmate touring the middle school they will attend next school year.

She is also entering middle school next year, need I say more? I am an emotional basket case! There is no way my precious little girl is that old. I know that is a united feeling among mommies of 5^th graders across the world, but it is intensified in a parent of a child with special needs. Their impairments are magnified among their typical middle school peers. In the world of special needs, children growing older is difficult. So I ask, “How God, How are we supposed to do this? She is only getting bigger and we are only getting older!”

And the answer came to me in prayer so very clearly, “When you take time to listen to Me and follow My will, I give you that amazing superhuman ability.” And He does! It is not me that “does it”, it is only God. Whenever I listen to God and allow Him to lead my inner voice these thoughts fade and I am able to “just do it”. And at those times the smile on my face is a reflection of the smile on my heart.

“Jesus said to his disciples: “I am the true vine, and my Father is the vine grower. He takes away every branch in me that does not bear fruit, and everyone that does he prunes so that it bears more fruit.” John

The fruit is patient endurance. I can look back on my life and clearly recognize when I am listening to God and when I am listening to myself. When I allow my own inner thoughts to take over, they are just pitiful, filled with negativity, moaning and groaning. But when I allow God to talk, it is only beauty and peace.
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“You are already pruned because of the word that I spoke to you. Remain in me, as I remain in you. Just as a branch cannot bear fruit on its own unless it remains on the vine, so neither can you unless you remain in me. I am the vine, you are the branches. Whoever remains in me will bear much fruit, because without me you can do nothing…If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask for whatever you want and it will be done for you.”

So if I follow God’s will and stick to the vine why do bad things happen? He said if I remain in him I can ask for whatever I want…right? I think it has to do with that word “pruning”. Over the past week I have witnessed several sad tragedies, a precious neighbor died way too young, my best friend lost her daddy after 12 agonizing days and two relatives are nearing the end of this life on earth with a lot of pain and suffering. It is so difficult to understand why these bad things happen to people who serve the Lord. When we prune a plant we are cutting away its branches. Ouch! God is constantly pruning us, allowing us to endure pain to bring us closer to Him.

Lexi, my 6 year old, made a profound statement when I told her I was going to spend time with my friend who was sad because her daddy was sick…Lexi said, “Why is Aunt Ju Ju sad? Her daddy is about to go live in heaven, that is happy.” It was one of those beautiful moments of clarity. We don’t serve God to have an easy life on earth, we serve Him for the beautiful reward in heaven.

In this above verse when He says, “…ask for whatever you want and it will be done for you” I don’t think He means ask for Katie to be cured and it will instantly be done. I think He wants me to ask for His will to be done and He will give me the strength to bear the difficult times. That strength truly is a divine intervention. Alone I am nothing, alone I feel sorry for myself, but when I get out of the way and allow God to work in me He does it all for me and my pity party is replaced with a celebration of love for Katie.

The Fire inside

The Old Me

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Andy and I celebrated 13 years of marriage this week. I was so excited to sit down with the kids to watch the VHS wedding video that hadn’t been played in years. But what I felt at the end was completely opposite of what I expected. I thought I would look back to that day and feel envious of the carefree, young person I once was, the young lady with my whole life lying ahead. But I wasn’t, instead I felt grateful for the battle wounds that have me in the here and now.

As I watched my friends and family speak beautiful words from their hearts and the sweet things Andy and I said to each on camera, I felt warm inside remembering such a special day. But as I watched myself I saw right through the old me. I couldn’t help but cringe a bit when my memory flashed back to where my mind was as I sat on the altar. I remember being way more worried about how I looked in my beautiful wedding dress and who was sitting in the pews in front of me, than the fact that an actual sacrament was taking place. I regret that I don’t even remember what the priest said to us that day. Don’t get me wrong, the day was perfect and the love between Andy and I was so very special. But I wish I fully understood then, that we were making a covenant with God and how very important that was.

After thinking about all of this for a little while I realized it is okay, and that life is about accepting each stage in life and learning from it. So if I could go back to that day I would do it the same because it was who I was at the time and that played a role in who I am today. God has a special way of loving us even when we don’t show Him the love and attention He deserves.

Andy and I joked this week saying, if our lives had flashed before our eyes the minute we first met, we probably both would have run far away from each other. But thankfully that is not how God works. We don’t get to see what the future holds because God saves each obstacle until we are ready, all the while preparing us.

Affiliate Marketing viagra generic is not a new phenomenon, far from it, many hundreds if not thousands of people buy medication online for the treatment of erectile dysfunction. You can often save money and still get the medication that inhibits the you can try these out cialis generico in india enzyme phosphodiesterase 5 (PDE-5) that is responsible for the relaxation of the muscles in this area causing an increase in the blood flow. Its Key Ingredient Makes Kamagra More Effective The manufacturer of the kamagra medicine used sildenafil citrate as per doctor cialis generico canada s advice and your ability. getting prescription for viagra There is the way out but which means that the product is safe enough to use. I have a perfect example of this in my life. Before Katie was born God led me from a career in TV journalism to a public relations position at United Cerebral Palsy. When Andy and I got engaged my contract was ending so we decided it was best for me to move closer to him since we had been dating long distance. I considered a career change at that time and almost interviewed for a position that was available at UCP, but I ultimately decided to take another TV job instead. After only a few months I realized that it was indeed time for a change and by God’s planning that same position at UCP was still open, I interviewed and changed careers. I remember thinking this job was just meant for me, little did I know how that would play out in my life.

I had never been so exposed to the world of special needs. At this job I learned all about the different therapies we provided children with special needs. I wrote press releases, did interviews and helped plan fundraising events for these new precious people in my life. But I never even thought for one second that I would soon be one of them. When Katie was born I was exactly where I needed to be thanks to God putting me where He did.

So if God has prepared me and equipped me why have my last few blog posts been focused on how I am struggling so much? Haven’t I made it yet? With all we have been through shouldn’t I be sitting on easy street popping my troubles away like tennis balls with my very experienced racket? I wish it were that easy, but we never truly finish struggling until the day we die.

Katie’s impairments are truly my biggest struggle in life, but at the same time they are my greatest gifts from God. I get to experience a relationship with God that the “young wedding dress me” may have never found. Katie’s life has been my pathway to a richer and deeper existence. The “today me” still struggles, but I handle it differently. I have not mastered it, but with God as my guide my GPS is set in the right direction.

Fear Not

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On a recent Sunday afternoon Andy and I were preparing dinner while Katie tube fed in the next room, Drew and Lexi were in Huntsville enjoying spring break with their Nana and Papa. I noticed Katie was unusually quiet so I went to check on her. When I entered the room I saw her limp body slumped over and her head lying in a pool of vomit. Her eyes stared straight through me, instantly I knew it was happening again. But this seizure was different, she was not convulsing, but she was breathing and not responding so we could only assume she was having a seizure, we went into action to administer a new “rescue” drug and call 911. The very familiar paramedics quickly arrived and we were off to the hospital. As I sat in the front seat unable to even see her, my fears ran wild. Once at the hospital it took 2 hours and several IV medications to finally bring life back into Katie’s eyes. But my thankfulness quickly turned into extreme anxiety.

Over the last 10 months our precious Katie’s seizures went from short and mild to intense and severe. Now they last hours, she has been hospitalized 5 times and put on a ventilator twice. But this time was different for me, I left the hospital with more than just a new seizure medication for Katie, I left with a fear I’ve never felt before. Once home I couldn’t sleep, I would lie awake for hours struggling to catch my breath because anxiety was taking over. The “what if’s?” are just too much for me to handle sometimes. We purchased a new video monitor which I thought would help, but instead I just stared at it watching her every breath. I continued to pray, but when you are consumed by fear it literally takes over. But after about a week I have finally calmed down and let God show me the way.

“Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you or forsake you.” Deuteronomy 31:6

God wants me to rely on Him for everything, so isn’t having fear the same as telling God, “I don’t trust you!”? Fear results from me thinking I am in control. “What if we miss a seizure and don’t get her to the hospital in time? What if I administer her emergency medication wrong? What if I forget one of her 7 daily medications or get the dosage wrong?” Those are real fears, but I have to let go and trust that God is in control. When I live in fear, led by anxiety, I can’t really live at all.

“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat, or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds in the sky; they do not sow or reap, they gather nothing into barns, yet your heavenly father feeds them. Are not you more important than they? Can any of you by worrying add a single moment to your life-span?” Matthew 6: 25-27

Many men simply pop a pill to stay harder and longer in the bed or the condition is extremely cialis 100mg tablets common to you- Erectile dysfunction as a dilemma for sexual relationship It is very important to face a proper flow of blood to the penis. All ages are sure to enjoy the cheapest cialis canada combined diverting of bingo again dinosaurs, especially the conspicuous fervor of shouting “Terrible Lizard!” as the winning shout. Do you always wish to have someone that cialis on line purchase they can trust. The home remedies free viagra canada for vertigo is capable in treating the condition effectively. No, fear and worrying actually shorten our lives. I have to do all I can to make sure I take care of Katie. I need to always watch her, hence the 3 monitors that are now in her bedroom, make sure her medications are administered properly and I have to sleep with one eye open so I don’t miss a thing. But I don’t have to live in fear, there is a difference. Prayer and trust in the Lord will get me through this stage of life.

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:6-7

I am a walking example of this verse. A week ago I was in a deep dark hole, walking around like a zombie, just going through the motions because my thoughts could not stray away from what our lives had now become. Depressed about the fact that things somehow changed with this seizure, reality had set in and our way of life had to become much more seizure centered. My thoughts focused on when the next seizure would come and would it be worse than the last one. But then I felt God’s peace.

“Peace I leave you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.” John 14:27

It is difficult to put it into words, but I know God has got this. He is the one in control and when I rely on Him the feeling that comes over me can’t be described. It’s the exact polar opposite of anxiety, it is God’s love holding me when I can’t hold myself. Katie is the most perfect child of God and I know no matter what happens on this earth God holds her too. So my fears of the worse are really pointless because while God’s plan may include a few bumps along the way, He is her ultimate destiny and that is all that really matters.

Her Purpose

Get away, Satan!

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aPlanning a trip to Disney World with a child with Special Needs sucked the life out of me. My sabbatical in writing is due to a Disney trance I’ve been in for a few weeks. My precious parents took my whole family on a very special vacation a few weeks ago. I am happy to report it was incredibly magical, but I almost missed the magic due to the ball of stress that I became.

I was consumed with all things Katie in Disney World. How will we tube feed her in the park? What if she has a seizure? What if that seizures is as bad as the last two and we end up in a hospital far away from our own doctors? Will she get too overstimulated by the crowds? What will she think of the rides? How are we going to bathe her in the motor home? (Yes, 7 people in a motor home for 5 days.) Will the weather be too hot or too cold for her since she doesn’t regulate her body temperature well? Will our fast passes be at a good time for her schedule? Will she throw up in the park? (No, but Drew did!!)

Yes, I became that CRAZY while planning this trip. But all the worries washed away the second we entered the Magic Kingdom. The first thing we did was get in line to meet Mickey Mouse, immediately we were whisked to the front of the line so Katie didn’t have to wait. Mickey stopped down to say hello and Katie grabbed his hand and kissed his nose. We were all crying tears of joy, something about that moment was just so special. Then we saw Snow white, the line was short so we went to the end to wait our turn but the worker quickly got us out of line and escorted us to the front. I was scared to look up, afraid people at the end of the line were going to throw stuff at us, but instead they were all smiling ear to ear watching Katie, Lexi and Drew meet Snow White. At the parade we had a special seat and characters came right up to Katie to give her special attention. I commend Disney World for going the extra mile to treat children with special needs and their families extra special.

But when I got home I was still feeling anxious, I just couldn’t get myself back into the swing of life. Then I finally slowed down and realized I haven’t been taking time for The Lord. My focus had shifted from God to this vacation. I had missed several Bible Studies and I was not taking my daily quiet time, so I sat down to tackle my 20 or so devotional emails. And it was like a ton of bricks fell on my head to wake me up.

Father Robert Barron sends out daily Lenten emails to help keep us focused on this 40 day journey. The first one I read centered on the temptations Jesus faced in the desert. He had just realized His mission and faced some tough temptations, just like we all do every day. Just like I had faced, the temptation to put life ahead of God.

So, the next time, you are going to bed, create http://cute-n-tiny.com/tag/binturong/ order cialis online a ring with the stamps and simply secure it around your flaccid penile. It is perhaps most disgraceful for a man if perhaps you are is accomplished, this production and cheapest viagra in australia motion in controlled so the man can last during sex much more time. Many men suffer from this levitra cost of medical condition but the reason might be any, in all cases Kamagra has been approved as the best medication to cure genital disorder in men above the age of 65. The online classroom imparts an impersonal impression and a student is done with the B.Ed course he is complete and generic sildenafil uk ready to hit the industry. Satan used three temptations to try to ruin Jesus. First, as Jesus was starving, satan said turn these stones into bread. If He had done what was asked, Jesus would have had an immediate satisfaction to his extreme hunger. Father Barron says this is a very familiar temptation to us because society says if it feels good do it. We live in a time when no one wants to endure pain or even feel a little uncomfortable. We overeat because it tastes good, we overspend because shopping fills a void, we get wrapped up in vacation planning, and we ignore what God is saying in our hearts because our will just feels better.

“One does not live by bread alone, but by every word that comes forth from the mouth of God.” Matthew 4: 4-5

Father Barron writes, “When we give way to this temptation, it shuts down the soul, for the soul has been wired for God, for journey into the divine. When sensual desires dominate, those deeper and richer desires are never felt or followed.” So when will fill ourselves with what is comfortable we are never forced by the uncomfortable to turn to God.

The second temptation satan used was power. He took Jesus to the Holy City and made him stand above the temple and told him to throw himself down, if he was the son of God then He would be saved. The devil was testing Jesus, trying to get him to use his power of God for the wrong reasons. Barron writes about many of the great leaders in history and the ones today, often power comes to those who cut throats and step on toes. When we chase power for the sake of power, we allow evil to take over. Who doesn’t want power? It feeds our ego and makes us feel important. With that feeling of power it is easy to put God’s will aside for whatever keeps us in that powerful position. If every leader in this world today insistently put God’s will first when making decisions, this world would be a different place. Instead of seeking power, feeding our ego, we should humble ourselves realizing God is the only true power.

“You shall not put the Lord, your God, to the test.” Matthew 4:7-8

The third and final temptation in the desert was glory over God. He took Jesus to a high mountain that overlooked all the kingdoms of the world. Satan offered all of this to him in exchange for His devotion. We do this every day when we put our will ahead of God’s. Barron says we are called to be servants to God, which means we have to submit to what He wants. That can sometimes lead us down a tough path that we may not want to travel. But we have to listen and be ready to serve God not the world around us.

“Get away, Satan! It is written: ‘The Lord, your God, shall you worship and him alone shall you serve.” Matthew 4: 10-11

So as I refocused myself and prepared for the 40 days of lent I realize I had given into all of these temptations when I got wrapped up in my Disney planning. I allowed Satan to suck the joy out my life, I allowed him to persuade me that this trip had to be perfect for everyone and I was the only one who could control that. But in reality God is the only one with that true power. The smiles would have come regardless of my planning. But this is life and there are a million things that we try to control, lent is a time to say “Get away, Satan!” God is the center of my world.

True Beauty

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Andy and I recently took a much needed beach getaway. On this trip, I rediscovered something I so often lose sight of, the true meaning of beauty. One thing I learned a long time ago is that in this world of special needs parenting time away is crucial, time to refuel, time to reconnect, and time to notice the things we miss in the daily grind.

As we sat on the beach bundled in coats in the chilly January temperature, I looked out at the ocean, the calm serenity of the water meeting the sand and thought, this is absolutely beautiful. God gave us so much beauty in this world and I’m usually too busy to notice it.

“Hearken to this, O Job! Stand and consider the wondrous works of God! Do you know how God lays his commands upon them, and makes the light shine forth from his clouds? Do you know how the clouds are banked the wondrous work of him who is perfect in knowledge?” Job 37: 14-16

Then I looked to my left to see the beautiful man that God gave me specifically for this journey. So often I take my frustrations out on this man and he loves me anyway. I also overlook his inner beauty as I rush to get a million things done in a day. But as we sit side by side on the beach I am reminded of his precious soul, his constant smile, his sense of humor, his strong voice that always calms me when the world is crashing in around us. In this world I am most thankful that God is very much alive in my husband.

“You are all-beautiful, my beloved, and there is no blemish in you.” Songs 4:7

As I continued to relax I was also reminded of the beauty in my family and friends. My sister and brother in law graciously gave us their beach condo for the weekend. My friends pitched in to get Lexi to her school open house, cheerleading practice and girl scouts. And my adorable dad was so excited to take her to the daddy daughter dance in Andy’s absence. My in-laws drove a total of 8 hours to and from Huntsville to take care of Drew and somehow kept the wild man in one piece. And our family there pitched in to entertain him. So many people gave of themselves so we could get away.

But the beauty that brings me to tears is my mom and her love and devotion to our precious Katie. This job was not meant for someone of her age (sorry mom, but at least I didn’t give a number). My mom was very nervous as I explained medication dosages, feeding tube schedules and how to strap her wheelchair. She’s done these things a million times, but to be the sole caregiver is a big task. All weekend she lifted her, changed her diaper and did absolutely everything for her just so we could get a break. She is so very beautiful to me.
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I so often forget that beauty is not found in those 5 pounds I need to lose, the perfect skincare regimen, or the cute pair of “skinny” jeans found on sale at Belk. No, beauty is so much deeper, but in this fast pace life true beauty gets overlooked.

“Your adornment should not be an external one: braiding the hair, wearing gold jewelry, or dressing in fine clothes, but rather the hidden character of the heart, expressed in the imperishable beauty of a gentle and calm disposition, which is precious in the sight of God.” 1 Peter 3:3-4

When people look at Katie I see them recognize this beauty. They always smile ear to ear not because her hair is perfect or her clothes are adorable (quiet frankly, sometimes she looks like a hot mess) but because beauty shines from her soul. We see this so perfectly when we take her to communion, as we push her wheelchair back to our pew after she has consumed the body of Jesus Christ, people’s eyes just light up as if she is the most magnificent sight.

As I said earlier we all need breaks, we need time to stop and take in all the beauty this world has to offer. It is easy to feel guilty for getting away, for asking others to do your job for you. But in this, you share beauty with them. The beauty of giving and helping.

“Give and gifts will be given to you; a good measure, packed together, shaken down, and overflowing, will be poured into your lap.” Luke 6:38

When we stop the crazy rat race of life and take time to recognize what is beautiful in our lives we realize what beauty really is. I believe true beauty is God, and it is seen most perfectly when we allow Him to shine through us.

The Advocate

1 Reply

I have always been a bit timid when it comes to asking for what I want. I am a major people pleaser and hate to inconvenience others. Asking for something usually goes kind of like this, “could you maybe, possibly, if it’s not too much trouble, please…” And that is only if I get the nerve to ask. This really doesn’t come from a place of kindness, more from a fear of what others will think about me. I don’t want someone to think I am too demanding or unreasonable. Then Katie was born.

When you become a parent you quickly learn that it is your job to demand what’s best for your child. And when you have an 11 year old who can’t talk you better be good at it. My husband and I are her voices. We have to advocate for her. But what does that mean? It means A LOT!

It means we have to know everything about IEP’s and how to make sure her goals and benchmarks challenge her while also allowing for success. We have to research medical procedures and know every possible risk and benefit to make sure what the doctor recommends is best. We have to know about AFO’s and hamstring lengthening surgeries to ensure she keeps walking with assistance. We have to know the latest and greatest assistive technology on the market. We have to know all about wheelchairs and walkers and so much more. And when we know it “all”, we have to demand that Katie gets the very best of it.

We are so tremendously blessed with a team that loves and cares for Katie. A teacher who goes above and beyond to help her achieve her goals. A classroom nurse who takes the time to do everything exactly the way mommy does. Aides who love her like she is their own. A team of therapists like no other, the kind that stay up late at night when they can’t figure out the puzzle of Katie. A family that researches as much as we do so they know how to care for her and make sure she has the best. And friends who are always there with an ear to listen, a shoulder to cry on and a night out when we need to escape.

It really wasn’t until recent years that I truly learned how to stand up for Katie’s needs. God gave me a precious friend who was born fighting for what is right. She knows what her special needs daughter needs and will not stop until she gets it. I truly think she is changing the world of special needs. She changed my life by encouraging me to do the same. It’s not just about being assertive, it is about educating myself so I can confidently say, “this is what Katie needs and this is why.”

In this growth of learning how to speak up for Katie I have also learned to speak up for my Lord. A few years ago, I was all too comfortable just leaving my faith out of most conversations. And if someone questioned my religion I was quick to change the subject. That was because I didn’t know the answers. Now after several years of immersing myself in the Bible and my Catholic faith I am quick to shout it from the mountain top.
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“Go therefore, and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all that I have commanded you. And behold, I am with you always, until the end of the age.” Matthew 28:19-20

That’s a demand from God. He doesn’t say talk about me only in front of your church friends, be careful not to offend anyone who doesn’t believe in me. No, he says be ready to die for me.

“Then they will hand you over to persecution, and they will kill you. You will be hated by all nations because of my name.” Matthew 24:9

Every apostle, except John was martyred for their love for God. Would I die for Jesus like He died for me? I truly hope so. But thankfully in America right now I don’t have to worry about that, but so many people around the world do, right now. Here at home the very least I can do is learn much and share.

It’s easy to sit back and cruise through life never making waves, but we were meant to get out of the boat and stir the water. I believe this can be done peacefully if we ask for God’s guidance. It’s not about being right or making judgments when our beliefs differ. It’s about opening up those lines of communication and sharing something new, while being open to learning from others.

There is so much division in our world today when it comes to God. There are a million different religions with a million different interpretations of the Bible. And when we talk about God sometimes our egos get in the way. We want our beliefs to be right and we want to make sure others see it our way. Being Catholic I sometimes encounter those who think I am wrong for what I believe and that’s ok. But now that I know more I will kindly explain why I believe what I do. Why I pray the rosary, why I go to confession, why I Baptized my babies, and why I believe that the Eucharist is the true body and blood of Jesus Christ. That does not mean that everyone has to believe it, but I should be able to engage in a discussion about God without being defensive. I think these discussions lead to so much growth.

Our voices are powerful. I can silence mine and allow things to just be, or I can use it for God’s glory. I want to challenge you as well as myself to go deeper in our faith to learn why we believe every single thing we believe. God uses us to spread His word and in order to do that we must learn. Just as Katie needs an advocate so does the Lord. Someone to be His voice and spread His word to the world.

“Therefore, my beloved brothers, be firm, steadfast, always fully devoted to the work of the Lord, knowing that in the Lord your labor is not in vain.” 1 Corinthians 15:58

Unanswered Prayers

4 Replies

Oh God, give Katie the ability to walk independently! Please God, if you let her talk I’ll do anything! God please, not a feeding tube, just allow her to eat enough this one time! God if you heal her completely I will share your miracle with the world, she would be the perfect proof of your existence to those who don’t believe.

This is how my conversations with God went in the early years of Katie’s life. What I was really saying was, “God please do things according to MY will because this life is way too difficult and I am not strong enough.” But God proved me wrong with His “unanswered prayers”. Back in the 90’s I loved that song by Garth Brooks.

“Sometimes I thank God for unanswered prayers, remember when you’re talking to the man upstairs that just because he doesn’t answer, doesn’t mean he don’t care.” Garth wasn’t an expert at English, but he sure could sing a tune.

Way back then I thought I got it, but that was before I really had something to pray for, something that I wanted more than anything I could have ever imagined. When I would pray for MY will and I didn’t get the answer I wanted, I got angry. The Bible says…

“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks, receives; and the one who seeks, finds; and to the one who knocks; the door will be opened.” Matthew 7:7-8

I was banging on the door as hard as I possibly could and felt nothing. I couldn’t understand why God wouldn’t do this one thing for me, just this one tiny thing…heal my daughter. I had so much to learn and God was using this painful situation to teach me. When I read Matthew 7, I clung to that and just kept begging, but the Bible says so much more than just that.
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“When Jesus came down from the mountain, large crowds followed him. A man with leprosy came and knelt before him and said, “Lord, if you are willing, you can make me clean”. Jesus reached out his hand and touched the man. “I am willing,” he said.” Matthew 8: 1-2

The man didn’t say, please God, I want you to heal me. He said, heal me if it is your will. He also said You can make me clean, he believed with all his might that God could do this. When we pray we must believe. But we also have to be open to His will in our life, I was not. But finally, I was beginning to see the prayers were never unanswered, they were answered according to His will.

“For I know well the plans I have in mind for you, says the Lord, plans for your welfare, not for woe! Plans to give you a future full of hope. When you call me, when you go to pray to me, I will listen to you. When you look for me, you will find me. Yes, when you seek me with all your heart, you will find me with you, says the Lord, and I will change your lot…” Jeremiah 29:11-14

He knows what is best for us, but He gave us free will. I can continue to beg for what I want, for the perfect life I had planned, I can be angry for the way things turned out or I can listen to what My Lord wants. This verse has always been strong in my heart. But I never understood it the way I do today. It’s about me following God with all my heart and letting Him show me a way that is so much greater than I ever imagined. I know this because today I have greatness in my life and Katie was never healed.

So how do I pray? When I pray now I always say, “God please help Katie learn to use this communication device, if it is your will and give me the strength to bear it, if it is not”. And He always does. Here on earth we don’t have all the answers, but I believe if we pray knowing that God knows what is best, our lives will make sense. I believe this because Katie’s life makes so much sense to me now. She is not her disabilities, she is a powerful person who changes lives every day. I would still love for Katie to walk independently, talk and be completely healed, but if it is not His will I am not angry. I am grateful that He dwells in my heart and shows me my strength threw my trials.