Tag Archives: prayer

Changing My Desire

IMG_6555Over the last 12 years of parenting a child with severe special needs one might think I had mastered the art of prayer, but that would be false. In fact, it is an area in my life that I experience great struggle. When I pray I often second guess what I ask of God, if He knows the plans He has for me then who am I to ask for something different. But His plan can be tough and I have a long list of requests. So what words should form my daily prayers?

Way too often I ask God for changes that would make my life easier here on earth. “God, please help Katie learn to communicate!”, “Dear Lord, if you could stop Drew’s temper tantrum, right now, that would be great!” or “Please, make that annoying person in my life a little more bearable!” and my favorite, “I need help with this crazy chocolate addiction, make it go away.” The problem with these prayers are the desires behind them. I’m too focused on what God can change in the world around me, when I should concentrate on my own heart.

Brody-War-Room-690Andy and I recently watched the movie War Room (which I highly recommend)! In the movie Elizabeth’s marriage is on the brink of divorce, but when Miss Clara teaches her how to pray, her change of heart transforms their family. We can fight our battles every second of every day, and we can waste our time trying to change things that are out of our control or we can hit the floor and use the only weapon that really works.

“To win the fight, you’ve got to have the right strategy and the right resources, because victories don’t come by accident.” Miss Clara in War Room

We have to have the desires of Jesus. When my ego is at the center of my prayer I want others to change, I’m too proud to admit that I may need some fine tuning. But if our goal in prayer is asking for help to emulate Jesus’ qualities, then God is happy to oblige. God wants us to look beyond ourselves and love like Jesus does.

“But to you who are listening I say: LOVE your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you.” Luke 6:27-28

And that my friend takes the right kind of prayer, because our earthly egos default to the exact opposite of these words. We all need a War Room like Miss Clara’s, a place where we can adjust the desires of our heart, a place where we can talk to God and listen to His precious guidance for our daily lives.

image2 (9)But what about all those BIG miracles I ask of God? The ones for Katie to be physically spared from the disorder that takes so much from her, or those prayer requests I encounter every week asking for miraculous healings for a one year old with cancer or for God’s saving grace for a dying mother of three. I do believe in modern day miracles. Like saints who have died, but their bodies stay incorrupt. Or the two miracles in which communion hosts physically turned into bloody flesh and when they were analyzed they were scientifically linked to the heart tissue of a man from the Middle East who had been beaten in the chest…Jesus. These miracles like the ones occurring in Biblical times serve a purpose, they are gifts from God to say, “I am here even though you can’t physically see me.” So when we pray for miracles our intention has to be focused only on God’s glory, not the easing of suffering in our own life here on earth.

“It happened that there was a man full of leprosy in one of the towns where he was; and when he saw Jesus, he fell prostrate, pleaded with him, and said, ‘Lord, if you wish, you can make me clean.’ Jesus stretched out his hand, touched him, and said, ‘I do will it. Be made clean.’” Luke 5:12-13

The words “Lord, if you wish” are key. My Regnum Christi devotional says those words portray the lepers true desire…he wants God more than he wants his cure. When I pray for a miracle for Katie, no matter how hard I try, my primary desire is for her to have a normal life, to eliminate her suffering and to ease the extra workload that our family experiences. I have promised God that I would claim His miracle every day for the rest of my life if He healed Katie, but God knows in my selfish flesh that I want it for us more than I want it for Him. My prayer now is that my spiritual life will mature in a way that all I want is His glory, not my own escape.

“Being self-absorbed and not accepting problems and defects is, in itself, an obstacle to being cured of them. Some lose patients in the fight because they want the cure more than they want the one who cures. … Openness to God’s time, detachment from an easy life, and total abandonment into Our Lords hands permits illness to cure the soul.” Regnum Christi

IMG_0113I believe the pain can sometimes be our miracle, it can be our healing. Katie’s suffering has changed my soul, as well as the souls of many others. It may not be the miracle I was asking for, but it’s pretty amazing. I think miracles like the healing of the leper happen to people who have soaked up every ounce of good that comes with the bad, those who seek Him above ALL else, those who want only what God wants, those willing to suffer for His glory. So as I enter my War Room and alter my desires, I pray… “Dear Lord, may my desires be your desires, may I want what you want, and may I accept what you give me with strength and dignity. Please humble me to love others the way you love me always forgiving and always looking for the good!”

I Hope You Dance!!

My entire body filled with heat, my heart opened and the only thing that could fill it was God. It was October 2012, I was doing two faith based book studies. Both books changed me forever. It wasn’t so much the books, they were both really good, but it was simply the Holy Spirit using this moment to take over my life.

After this moment all I wanted to do was learn as much about God as I could. In my spare time I read, researched, prayed, wrote and simply learned how to give myself to the Lord. I no longer wanted to watch TV, or scroll down Facebook…I wanted more and more and more God. I really cannot explain the feeling, it was amazing and all consuming.

I was then blessed by a group of ladies that started meeting for a Bible study once a week, we still meet today. Before this study my knowledge of the Bible consisted of two phrases, Old Testament & New Testament. Our leader was sent to us by God, she goes through the books of the Bible sentence by sentence and explains what the Fathers of the Church say about that passage. If you’re not familiar with that term. The Fathers of the Church are the early Christians, like St. Augustine and St. John Chrysostom, who were taught by the apostles. What better source? Jesus taught the apostles, the apostles taught the Church Fathers and they wrote it all down. If you have a question about what a certain passage or verse means, the Fathers of the Church hold the answers. We have finished the books of  John, Acts of the Apostles and are now studying Matthew. I finally feel like I know the stories of Jesus and what He wants from us.

“When you look for me, you will find me. Yes, when you seek me with all your hearth, you will find me with you, says the Lord, and I will change your lot…” Jeremiah 29:13-14

I can truly say this is when I began to feel true joy, joy that I had never known before. I finally knew my purpose on this earth was to do Gods will. Everything else was falling into place. Being a mommy to Katie, Lexi and Drew made more sense. photo shoot 2013 052My role as a wife took on new meaning. One struggle I’ve had writing this post is making sure that I don’t sound self righteous, I’m so far from perfect it’s not even funny, and I certainly don’t know it all, not even a quarter. I screw up every single day, but I’m just writing about what God has shown me and what I TRY to aspire to everyday.

image (17)God has revealed a beautiful message through Katie’s life. Katie was not blessed with legs that function, a brain that forms words to speak, hands that write or even eyes to see. But I got all that and more, so how dare I waste one single minute. A song that portrays my feelings is by Lee Ann Womack, I Hope You Dance.

I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance, Never settle for the path of least resistance, Living might mean taking chances but they’re worth taking, Loving might be a mistake but it’s worth making, Don’t let some hell bent heart leave you bitter, When you come close to selling out reconsider, Give the heavens above more than just a passing glance, And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance. I HOPE YOU DANCE!!!! 

To me these lyrics mean to do everything you do with your whole heart and with all your effort. And since God is supposed to be the center of our lives. That means our relationship with God should have every ounce of our being. I am not going to even begin to say that I do this always. I struggle everyday because this world we live in has so much to take us away from God. Actually, I often feel this world is telling me God is not important. The world right now is so far from what God wants. I don’t think He wants us to modernize our values. He wants the single most important thing in our life, more important than our spouse, children, job, wardrobe, car and home; to be Him.

“Do not conform yourself to this age but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and pleasing and perfect.” Romans 12:2

The special needs journey or any struggle for that matter can be long, lonely and isolating. It doesn’t always lead us down the right path. I’ve taken many a wrong turns. But what I know for sure is the wrong road, the one in which we try to escape our struggles, will only lead us in circles. It only leads to more disappointment. As I’ve re-routed my GPS many times I found the only path is the one God wants us on, doing His will everyday, following His commands as diligently as we can. To keep myself in check, I try to reflect on the 10 Commandments and ask, “am I doing what God wants?”.

image (16)Another lesson Katie has taught me is that nothing on this earth will fulfill the longing we have. Katie has true joy and does not know anything about the materialism of this world. Again, I’m no model Christian woman, but I know God is my only source of true joy. I love listening to Father Robert Barron, he gives weekly homilies on http://wordonfire.org/. He often talks about this and once he had a fabulous example. Think about some of the worlds greatest sports figures. Barry Bonds, Mark McGwire, and Alex Rodriguez, to name a few, were all the best of the best, they had home run records, world fame and all the money you can imagine, yet they chose to take steroids in hopes of getting more. When it comes to worldly things nothing is ever enough. Why?

photo (3)That longing that we try to fill, that yearning for more was given to us by God for one purpose, to bring us closer to Him. We try and try to fill it with success, money, friends, and so much more. I don’t know where you are on your faith walk, but if God is not on the tip of my tongue always, I ask, why am I not giving Him every single bit of me, making Him the leader in my life. Do I want to sit it out or DANCE??

In my next post I will talk about why I think we have to struggle while on this earth.