Both Katie and I celebrated birthdays this past week, I turned 42 and Katie 12. These ages make me feel old and bring questions about my purpose in life. Can we say midlife crisis? I’m not currently working outside the home contributing to society or to our household piggy bank, so there are days that I wonder if God wants more from me. Surely He has bigger plans than grocery lists and family meal planning.
Last year, when I started my blog I finally felt I was doing something meaningful, after all these years I was listening to what God wanted for my life. Writing has been an absolute life changer for me, I have opened old wounds and worked to reheal them in a more God centered way. But lately I just feel lost when I try to write. I worry that my words have no direction and that my posts are more like groundhog day simply repeating the same thing over and over. I criticize what I type and think if it were better I would have a million subscribers by now. Then yesterday I was reading my daily devotional Regnum Christi.
“Christ singles out each one of us for a particular mission in life. We might think of many people around us- educated, wise, learned people- who would surely be better suited for the calling at hand, who could do a far better job than we could. However, Christ isn’t looking for the cleverest person, the one with the quickest wit, or the one with the best education. Many times He scrutinizes the corners of the globe for the soul that is innocent, open to His plan,, and willing to carry it out.” Regnum Christi 12/1/15
Ok, I hear you God, loud and clear! I so often get confused about God’s plan for me, I think it should be big…huge…some cure cancer mission, but that’s just my ego. I want something outrageous so I can pat myself on the back, with my million subscribers cheering me on.
“Simplicity and humility are the key words when it comes to being chosen by God to participate more actively in his plan of redemption.” Regnum Christi 12/1/15
While I’m worrying about saving the world God says simplify…work locally for now. But so often it’s difficult to know if we are on the right track. I know He knows the plans He has for me, but I haven’t received the nicely typed letter outlining my instructions.
“True Knowledge of Christ and of God is revealed to those who learn to quiet their souls in prayer.” Regnum Christi 12/1/15
So my big fat mouth gets in the way? Who knew? I talk to God alot about my plan and how I want Him to help me, but I don’t listen enough. When I look past myself and stop questioning the words God gives me to type, when I forget about me and listen to God, He always shows me a better plan. Just like in my struggles to be the best mommy to Katie. Acceptance of her disabilities was not easy because it wasn’t a part of MY plan. But once I stepped out of my small mindedness I saw her for who she was, God’s precious messenger.
“God asks us to be like the Old Testament Prophets, planting seeds of redemption that may not sprout for years. We, like the prophets, aren’t always given the grace to see the entire picture.” Regnum Christi 12/1/15
Less is more, simple is better. I think God is telling me to keep doing what I’m doing because if just one person is touched by Katie’s story, it matters. He doesn’t call each of us to fame and noterity for our contributions, but He does call each of to do our part and to me that means using my gifts and my struggles to share His great love.