Tag Archives: plans

The Plan

IMG_9710Both Katie and I celebrated birthdays this past week, I turned 42 and Katie 12. These ages make me feel old and bring questions about my purpose in life. Can we say midlife crisis? I’m not currently working outside the home contributing to society or to our household piggy bank, so there are days that I wonder if God wants more from me. Surely He has bigger plans than grocery lists and family meal planning.

Last year, when I started my blog I finally felt I was doing something meaningful, after all these years I was listening to what God wanted for my life. Writing has been an absolute life changer for me, I have opened old wounds and worked to reheal them in a more God centered way. But lately I just feel lost when I try to write. I worry that my words have no direction and that my posts are more like groundhog day simply repeating the same thing over and over. I criticize what I type and think if it were better I would have a million subscribers by now. Then yesterday I was reading my daily devotional Regnum Christi.

“Christ singles out each one of us for a particular mission in life. We might think of many people around us- educated, wise, learned people- who would surely be better suited for the calling at hand, who could do a far better job than we could. However, Christ isn’t looking for the cleverest person, the one with the quickest wit, or the one with the best education. Many times He scrutinizes the corners of the globe for the soul that is innocent, open to His plan,, and willing to carry it out.”                   Regnum Christi 12/1/15

Ok, I hear you God, loud and clear! I so often get confused about God’s plan for me, I think it should be big…huge…some cure cancer mission, but that’s just my ego. I want something outrageous so I can pat myself on the back, with my million subscribers cheering me on.

“Simplicity and humility are the key words when it comes to being chosen by God to participate more actively in his plan of redemption.” Regnum Christi 12/1/15

While I’m worrying about saving the world God says simplify…work locally for now. But so often it’s difficult to know if we are on the right track. I know He knows the plans He has for me, but I haven’t received the nicely typed letter outlining my instructions.

“True Knowledge of Christ and of God is revealed to those who learn to quiet their souls in prayer.” Regnum Christi 12/1/15

So my big fat mouth gets in the way? Who knew? I talk to God alot about my plan and how I want Him to help me, but I don’t listen enough. When I look past myself and stop questioning the words God gives me to type, when I forget about me and listen to God, He always shows me a better plan.IMG_9759 (1) Just like in my struggles to be the best mommy to Katie. Acceptance of her disabilities was not easy because it wasn’t a part of MY plan. But once I stepped out of my small mindedness I saw her for who she was, God’s precious messenger.

“God asks us to be like the Old Testament Prophets, planting seeds of redemption that may not sprout for years. We, like the prophets, aren’t always given the grace to see the entire picture.”             Regnum Christi 12/1/15

Less is more, simple is better. I think God is telling me to keep doing what I’m doing because if just one person is touched by Katie’s story, it matters. He doesn’t call each of us to fame and noterity for our contributions, but He does call each of to do our part and to me that means using my gifts and my struggles to share His great love.

Unanswered Prayers

Oh God, give Katie the ability to walk independently! Please God, if you let her talk I’ll do anything! image1 (4)God please, not a feeding tube, just allow her to eat enough this one time! God if you heal her completely I will share your miracle with the world, she would be the perfect proof of your existence to those who don’t believe.

This is how my conversations with God went in the early years of Katie’s life. What I was really saying was, “God please do things according to MY will because this life is way too difficult and I am not strong enough.” But God proved me wrong with His “unanswered prayers”. Back in the 90’s I loved that song by Garth Brooks.

“Sometimes I thank God for unanswered prayers, remember when you’re talking to the man upstairs that just because he doesn’t answer, doesn’t mean he don’t care.” Garth wasn’t an expert at English, but he sure could sing a tune.

Way back then I thought I got it, but that was before I really had something to pray for, something that I wanted more than anything I could have ever imagined. When I would pray for MY will and I didn’t get the answer I wanted, I got angry. The Bible says…

“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks, receives; and the one who seeks, finds; and to the one who knocks; the door will be opened.” Matthew 7:7-8

I was banging on the door as hard as I possibly could and felt nothing. I couldn’t understand why God wouldn’t do this one thing for me, just this one tiny thing…heal my daughter. I had so much to learn and God was using this painful situation to teach me. When I read Matthew 7, I clung to that and just kept begging, but the Bible says so much more than just that.

“When Jesus came down from the mountain, large crowds followed him. A man with leprosy came and knelt before him and said, “Lord, if you are willing, you can make me clean”. Jesus reached out his hand and touched the man. “I am willing,” he said.” Matthew 8: 1-2

The man didn’t say, please God, I want you to heal me. He said, heal me if it is your will. He also said You can make me clean, he believed with all his might that God could do this. When we pray we must believe. But we also have to be open to His will in our life, I was not. But finally, I was beginning to see the prayers were never unanswered, they were answered according to His will.

“For I know well the plans I have in mind for you, says the Lord, plans for your welfare, not for woe! Plans to give you a future full of hope. When you call me, when you go to pray to me, I will listen to you. When you look for me, you will find me. Yes, when you seek me with all your heart, you will find me with you, says the Lord, and I will change your lot…” Jeremiah 29:11-14

He knows what is best for us, but He gave us free will. I can continue to beg for what I want, for the perfect life I had planned, I can be angry for the way things turned out or I can listen to what My Lord wants. This verse has always been strong in my heart. But I never understood it the way I do today.image2 (4)  It’s about me following God with all my heart and letting Him show me a way that is so much greater than I ever imagined. I know this because today I have greatness in my life and Katie was never healed.

So how do I pray? When I pray now I always say, “God please help Katie learn to use this communication device, if it is your will and give me the strength to bear it, if it is not”. And He always does. Here on earth we don’t have all the answers, but I believe if we pray knowing that God knows what is best, our lives will make sense. I believe this because Katie’s life makes so much sense to me now. She is not her disabilities, she is a powerful person who changes lives every day. I would still love for Katie to walk independently, talk and be completely healed, but if it is not His will I am not angry. I am grateful that He dwells in my heart and shows me my strength threw my trials.