Oh God, give Katie the ability to walk independently! Please God, if you let her talk I’ll do anything! God please, not a feeding tube, just allow her to eat enough this one time! God if you heal her completely I will share your miracle with the world, she would be the perfect proof of your existence to those who don’t believe.
This is how my conversations with God went in the early years of Katie’s life. What I was really saying was, “God please do things according to MY will because this life is way too difficult and I am not strong enough.” But God proved me wrong with His “unanswered prayers”. Back in the 90’s I loved that song by Garth Brooks.
“Sometimes I thank God for unanswered prayers, remember when you’re talking to the man upstairs that just because he doesn’t answer, doesn’t mean he don’t care.” Garth wasn’t an expert at English, but he sure could sing a tune.
Way back then I thought I got it, but that was before I really had something to pray for, something that I wanted more than anything I could have ever imagined. When I would pray for MY will and I didn’t get the answer I wanted, I got angry. The Bible says…
“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks, receives; and the one who seeks, finds; and to the one who knocks; the door will be opened.” Matthew 7:7-8
I was banging on the door as hard as I possibly could and felt nothing. I couldn’t understand why God wouldn’t do this one thing for me, just this one tiny thing…heal my daughter. I had so much to learn and God was using this painful situation to teach me. When I read Matthew 7, I clung to that and just kept begging, but the Bible says so much more than just that.
“When Jesus came down from the mountain, large crowds followed him. A man with leprosy came and knelt before him and said, “Lord, if you are willing, you can make me clean”. Jesus reached out his hand and touched the man. “I am willing,” he said.” Matthew 8: 1-2
The man didn’t say, please God, I want you to heal me. He said, heal me if it is your will. He also said You can make me clean, he believed with all his might that God could do this. When we pray we must believe. But we also have to be open to His will in our life, I was not. But finally, I was beginning to see the prayers were never unanswered, they were answered according to His will.
“For I know well the plans I have in mind for you, says the Lord, plans for your welfare, not for woe! Plans to give you a future full of hope. When you call me, when you go to pray to me, I will listen to you. When you look for me, you will find me. Yes, when you seek me with all your heart, you will find me with you, says the Lord, and I will change your lot…” Jeremiah 29:11-14
He knows what is best for us, but He gave us free will. I can continue to beg for what I want, for the perfect life I had planned, I can be angry for the way things turned out or I can listen to what My Lord wants. This verse has always been strong in my heart. But I never understood it the way I do today. It’s about me following God with all my heart and letting Him show me a way that is so much greater than I ever imagined. I know this because today I have greatness in my life and Katie was never healed.
So how do I pray? When I pray now I always say, “God please help Katie learn to use this communication device, if it is your will and give me the strength to bear it, if it is not”. And He always does. Here on earth we don’t have all the answers, but I believe if we pray knowing that God knows what is best, our lives will make sense. I believe this because Katie’s life makes so much sense to me now. She is not her disabilities, she is a powerful person who changes lives every day. I would still love for Katie to walk independently, talk and be completely healed, but if it is not His will I am not angry. I am grateful that He dwells in my heart and shows me my strength threw my trials.