When Katie gets home from school she is communicating so much more lately. I’ll say, “Katie did you have a good day today?”  and she will smile ear to ear and nod “yes”. I’ll then ask, “Did you see Jerimiah?” she will nod “yes”, “did you see Brandon?” (I know he was absent) and she shakes her head “no”. And then the other day Drew asked, “How was your day Katie?” and as plain as day she said “GGG” not the word good, but she made the sound of a G, that is so huge. These glimpses of communication with Katie give me a feeling I could never describe in words. But they only occur about 20% of the time, I’ll ask again 5 minutes later and get a blank stare.

I am so very grateful for these glimpses, but they give me hope for more and lately I feel that hope dwindling away. That hope is that if she understands those questions then we can find a communication system that will help her tell us more.  Just yesterday I was trying to help her walk, but she just kept collapsing and then got a little fussy. I took off her braces and there was huge red spot that looked really bad on her foot. I felt horrible, she had been wearing them all day and that must have really hurt. Then during her evening tube feeding she was fussy again which is not unusual, but towards the end of the feeding she hurled massive amounts of oatmeal from early (sorry, I hope you are not as you read). And then just smiled because of the relief. So badly I want to give her a way to say, “My foot hurts, mommy”, “My tummy is not settled please don’t feed me more”.

I feel like we have tried a million different communication systems with very little progress. We started out holding up picture boards for her to touch her choice, she did okay with a group of 2, but since she loves to put everything in her mouth she would grab the picture and chew. This method was also very limiting in what she could say. So we tried a partner assisted scanning book, but that was way too complex. We then purchased an ipad with a program that allowed us to customize screens for her to make choices. But since she also loves the feeling of clicking the button to select her choice we realized that her answers were not always accurate, she was just enjoying clicking and that took precedence over communicating. So now we are trying a Tobii eye gaze device. A child uses their eyes to make a selection so the only feedback is whatever they are communicating for. We are in the VERY early stages of this and it could take her years to learn how to use it.

Last week after speech therapy I sat in the car and wondered, “Am I grasping at straws here? Am I expecting too much from her? Should I just be thankful for the yes and no answers I get 20% of time?” These questions drive me crazy. But I know that God wants every single one of us to work as hard as we possibly can while on this earth to reach our fullest potential. And it’s my job to help her do that. So as long as there is a path we will continue down it.

Then I thought, “If I am expecting Katie to give it all she’s got, what am I doing to reach my potential?” Am I where God wants me to be? Do I work every day to do His will? Do I work hard to stop the repetitive sins in my life?

“Even now the ax lies at the root of the trees. Therefore every tree that does not bear good fruit will be cut down and thrown into the fire.” Matthew 3:10

It’s imperative that buy generic viagra browse that pharmacy store most strikes to significant points and nerve motor points. There are https://unica-web.com/films2005.xls purchase cheap viagra herbal supplements, herbal vitamins, herbal weight loss Products Possibly one of the most well-liked purposes for herbal items would be to improve fat loss. Libido or sex drive is buying generic viagra important for the couple to recognize and discuss the emotional impact of infertility, and to seek medical advice from a health care provider as this can be an alert signal for a more difficult issue or difficulty of flow . This herb has powerful astringent and laxative properties, also is strong blood purifiers and improves strength and energy in the muscles by supplementing the body with sufficient testosterone hormone sildenafil tadalafil does help. Father Robert Barron says God wants a daily renovation of our lives. He wants us to get to the root of what causes us to fail. We are human so we will fail, but we still have to work hard to turn away from our sins. I’ve said this before, but confession helps me because it is a regular sin check. My priest helps me get to the root of that sin. Barron suggests looking into our past to help discover why we continue to do the same thing over and over again. Because we must move past the root of this evil in our lives.

I receive a daily email from Regnum Christi, it is a fabulous devotional, but all too often I have 10 waiting to be read. A recent one was talking about Matthew 21:28-32, the parable of the two sons. A man tells one son, “Son, go out in my vineyard and work today” and the son says no, but later changes his mind and goes to work. He tells his other son, “go out in my vineyard and work today” that son says yes, but then never goes. In the discussion of this parable the question was asked, “When are you saying yes, but acting no” when it comes to God. What if we had annual reviews on our faith life like the ones at work? Would I score high enough to keep my job or would I be fired because doing the bare minimum is not enough.

It is not easy to follow what God wants us to do. If I feel like my faith life is simple and I’m just cruising along, then my standards are not high enough. I am not living up to this full potential that I am pushing Katie towards. I often catch myself using my time for me rather than for God. When we are Baptized we are called to put God first in our lives, even before our husbands and children. And definitely before TV, smutty books, and Facebook.

We are called to be prophets and that means speaking for God. Doesn’t that also mean that God should be on our lips regularly in every conversation? Father Barron asks, “Do the people you work with, your friends outside of church or even the store clerk at the gas station know you are a Christian?” If not, then we are not doing our job. “Preach with the beauty of your life so people will understand Christ through you” Barron says.

As I watch Katie work so hard every day of her life to do the most simple things, things that I do without even a thought I will use this as my example. I will follow her and do the things that don’t come easy to me. I will set my standards higher because I don’t want to just do enough to get by, I want to do all that God has in store for me. When I meet Him at the pearly gates I want Him to say, “Wow, you must be exhausted for working so hard for me, thank you” not, “You look well rested, your must have had a very comfortable life on earth”.

As I sent the kids back to school this week, after what seemed to be an extra-long break with a lot of rain, I had mixed emotions. Extended time with my 3 will do that. I felt sad that all the excitement of the holiday was over. Happy that the kids got to see their friends and teachers and get back to a normal routine. Thankful to get a little time alone. Relieved that I could actually sit down for more than 5 seconds. But guilty for feeling good about being away from my kids, guilty that stress led me to yell more than I should have over the past 2 weeks, guilty that I didn’t spend enough quality time with each kid, guilty that I didn’t do as much work with Katie. And sad that our break from school looked the way it did. Then I went there…

School breaks can be a bit stressful for the most professional mommies out there, but when you have child with special needs it can be overwhelming. Katie either eats or tube feeds every 2 hours making outings difficult. Not impossible, we definitely do our fair share of feeding on the go. But we tend to stay home a lot and the walls start to close in.

Another item on the agenda at my pity party was the realization that Katie is getting bigger and harder to care for.   She is now 11 years old and no longer a little girl. Recently her legs seem to be growing like weeds, and the extra inches make walking more difficult for her. Around the house Katie is not in her wheelchair, she crawls, we walk her or carry her. She needs her braces and shoes on to walk, but needs them off to crawl. I don’t always take the time to put them on and take them off, so I will carry her more than I should. And that, my friends, takes a toll on this 41 year old body. School breaks bring complete exhaustion, a sore back and aching everything. Lifting her out of the tub, up onto the extended changing table, and even helping her out of bed is getting difficult.  Just going outside to play breaks a sweat on even the coldest days.  One trip to put a blanket in the yard, another to get some toys, then back again to put on Katie’s shoes and braces so we can walk (I’m pooped just typing that).  By the time we sit, for what seems to be 2 seconds, it’s time to go feed again.

One day last week I got lost in a thought. What would our day look like if Katie were a typical 11 year old? She would be the big sister, the ring leader calling out, “Drew and Lexi, let’s go jump on the trampoline” and out the door the 3 would run. She and her cousins would have a blast since they are closer to her age. I wouldn’t feel torn between these two worlds. The world of carless fun seizing every second and the world of tube feedings, medication, responsibility and challenges. But then God said, “You have the best of both worlds.” So I snapped out of it and decided it was time to count my blessings. I didn’t write all of that to make you feel sorry for me, but to show that it is normal and okay to “go there” every once and while. I believe it is healthier to “go there” with whatever your challenge in life is in small spurts rather than bottling it up and exploding all at once.

I had to get my mind right. It is a conscious effort to refocus my train of thoughts. And then at a weekly mass Father helped me do just that. He said even though all the hoopla of Christmas is over in the world around us, Christmas had really just begun. Have you ever thought about the song “The 12 Days of Christmas”? In the Catholic church the weeks leading up to Christmas are advent, the season of Christmas doesn’t really begin until Dec. 25^th and lasts for 12 days ending on January 6^th, the Epiphany. That’s the day the wise men finally made it to Jesus. In our church we don’t even light the Christmas tree until Jesus’ actual birthday. So as we rush to put all the decorations away and storeowners fill their shelves with Valentine goodies we are taking away from the spiritual side of the holiday. I needed this to lift my spirits out of my gloom and doom.

Father also said something during this homily that made me think about my New Year’s Resolutions, that long daunting list of things I stick to for about 3 weeks. I decided this year my list is going to be very short. If I pick the right one then won’t all those others fall into place? Father had said something interesting about the song, “The 12 Days of Christmas” so I researched it’s true meaning. It was written at a time when Catholics in England were put to death for practicing their religion. The song is coded and each word represents a tenet of faith. Its purpose was to help children remember their faith in secret so they wouldn’t be persecuted. “On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me…”  The true love referred to in this song is Jesus’ love, because true Love was born on Christmas Day.

My 1 New Year’s Resolution for 2015 is to Love like God loves, that love He sent us on Christmas day. If I put my focus on Him I don’t need to write exercise 4 times a week on a list, because I will realize God gave me this one body and I need to take care of it. I won’t have to add go to church every Sunday because my love for Christ will draw me there. I won’t have to put all this pressure on myself if I can just get my priorities straight. If God is first everything else falls into place.

If I love Katie with God’s love then caring for her is not so daunting.  Jesus never thought of His own needs, He always put others first. Remember at the last supper, He actually washed the feet of His disciples. So God’s love is a love of serving others. Putting others wants and needs above our own. During the break I got caught up in putting my wants and needs first. I wanted Katie to be normal so life wasn’t so difficult. But that is not love, it is being human, but it’s not love.
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My 1 New Year’s Resolution does have bullet points, since being concise is not my strong point. To focus more on God’s love I will remember…

-God’s love brings gratitude. If I always see the great gifts in my life my heart will overflow.

-that love can only grow if I spend quality time with My Lord.

-God’s love is always found in others. It is a true blessing to give myself to others through being attentive to their needs.

-simplicity is always best. God’s love is not found in possessions or my iphone, it is right here in the things closest to my heart.

photo courtesy Emily Kuhn

So when the next school break rolls around hopefully my attitude will be different. My focus will be on sharing God’s love with others not centered on my exhaustion or all the things I would rather be doing. It will be focused on the family that God so graciously gave me in all it’s perfection.

When Katie sees a ray of sunshine her face lights up and she uses every effort to get to that ray so she can soak it in. She always finds beauty in such simple things. She has no wish list from Santa and if there was nothing for her under the tree on Christmas morning she would remain happy. I believe she is happy because her heart is not tainted with sin. Sometimes when I pray for God to heal her I hear Him saying, “She is perfect, she has never sinned. If she were healed to live a normal life sin would come. She is pure.”

I believe this purity, this happiness that Katie has, is true  JOY. Sometimes I get confused about what JOY is. Is it the smiling faces of my kids when they see the gifts on Christmas morning? Is it the feeling I get when I open that special box from a loved one? Or is it much deeper than that?

JOY is one of the fruits of the Holy Spirit. At Baptism we receive seven special gifts from the Holy Spirit; wisdom, understanding, counsel, fortitude, knowledge, piety and fear of the Lord. When we live our lives according to God’s will accepting and using these gifts for His good, “We see the effect of the Holy Spirit’s presence in our lives in special qualities and attitudes that we develop as we grow in faith.” (RCL Benzinger’s website) These are the fruits of the Holy Spirit. “We live with JOY when we recognize that true happiness comes, not from money or possessions, but from knowing and following Christ.” (Benzinger)

To me that describes Katie perfectly. I pray that my typical children see this as a gift not as an impairment on her part. I think we sometimes feel sorry that Katie may not understand things like Santa and his gifts, but I think it is just a part of her purity, her beauty, her simplicity. I wish I was more like her!

“For the kingdom of God is not a matter of food and drink, but of righteousness, peace, and joy in the Holy Spirit; whoever serves Christ in this way is pleasing to God and approved by others. Let us then pursue what leads to peace and to building up one another.” Romans 14: 17-19

Men with cheapest brand cialis debilitating medical conditions are requested to seek medical help before using any oral ED medicine, which may include anemia, leukemia, multiple myeloma, heart disease, penile deformity, vision problems, liver/kidney dysfunction, or hearing problem. cialis online generic It’s a condition void of respect, honoring and equality. All women have this, some to a pop over to this pharmacy store buy cheap cialis lesser degree and frequency. This temporary diversion is not enough to discuss about your ED suffering with your doctor; you also need to talk to levitra pharmacy purchase your partner. I have found that there is no feeling of JOY greater than when I do something for someone else, whether it is a physical assistance or just saying something nice or even a simple smile. When I make an effort to make someone else happy, to build up another rather than do what I want to do, it pleases God. If I did this more often I would be a more JOYFUL person. I know this because when I respond in a grumpy manner with a, “no way, I am too busy to be bothered with that”, I am the opposite of JOYFUL. I’m not sure the best definition for that, but it does not feel good.

Another action that always brings JOY is when we repent and accept God’s forgiving love, when we accept that we are far from perfect and desperately need God as our savior. Think about the most JOYFUL people you know, the people who always have a smile on their face. These people shine brighter because they have God in their hearts.

“I tell you, in just the same way there will be more JOY in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous people who have no need of repentance.” Luke 15:7

According to gotquestions.org, a very informative Christian website I found in researching the topic of JOY, “Possessing JOY is a choice. We choose whether to value God’s presence, promises, and work in our lives. When we yield to the Spirit, He opens our eyes to God’s grace around us and fills us with JOY.”

One of our priests at Prince of Peace, Father Tom Ackerman, says JOY comes from Hope. The hope for what is promised in the Bible, hope for the day we are reunited with our Lord and Savior. As we wait and prepare our hearts for this coming, may our hope bring JOY TO THE WORLD. My hope of being more like Katie and allowing her to teach me what God has in store for me brings JOY to my heart.

“May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that you may abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.” Romans 15:13

Merry Christmas!!

Our first Christmas as a family was spent in the NICU of Huntsville Hospital. We had just been given the news that Katie may have neurological issues. It did not feel like a time to celebrate. It was a time of great uncertainty, but with that uncertainty came hope. On our second Christmas we no longer had that hope. Katie had turned 1 and we knew things were not normal. My emotional state was really bad.

I will never forget taking Katie to get her first professional Christmas picture made. I couldn’t wait to make that adorable Christmas card to show off my baby to all my friends and family. She couldn’t sit up well and her vision was significantly impaired so her eyes would just roll up. She was very fussy that day and would not cooperate. It was all still so new to me and was very hard to deal with in front of a complete stranger, that poor photographer. We finally gave up and left, I had a complete breakdown in the car. I was bawling crying because this was one more thing that was just not going the way I had planned. I was still in a place of complete selfishness, I wanted that Christmas card come hell or high water. So we tried again and got a great picture, I made a fool of myself to get that smile, but it was worth it.

I’m reminded of these early years when we decorate for Christmas. Our tree is filled with ornaments given to Katie that first year. As I was rushing to get the tree up and place that decorated garland on the mantel that my husband loves so much, (he cusses me every time he tries to change the channel on the TV), to get all those Christmas gifts purchased, the cards ready to mail and all the millions of other things that come this time of year, I realized I am not doing these for the right reason.

So I stopped and started praying and reading the advent book I picked up at church. “Advent is a time of anticipation, but anticipation of what?”, Dianne Bergant, Daybreaks Daily Reflections for Advent and Christmas. I had wondered the same thing. Jesus was already born, so aren’t we just celebrating His birthday? Spiritually speaking what are we waiting on, what are we preparing for?

In the Catholic Church we have very specific readings from the Bible at mass leading up to Christmas, “They all point to a new age of peace and harmony when the promises made long ago by God will be fulfilled. We do indeed look forward to Christmas. However, we do so not merely because it is the anniversary of a past event, but because these promises made so long ago…”, (Bergant) The promise that God will come back to Earth.

“But of that day or hour, no one knows, neither the angels in heaven, nor the Son, but only the Father. Be watchful! Be alert! You do not know when the time will come.” Mark 13:32-33

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“We watch for opportunities to bring God’s forgiveness to others in our lives; we are alert to the needs of others so that we can bring them God’s compassion; we are awake to ways vulnerable people are being ground down so that we can stand up with them; we are prepared to open ourselves to being an agent of God’s love in our world.” (Bergant)

Father Robert Barron says the biggest challenge of Advent is realizing we desperately need a savior. In today’s society we have the mentality of “I can do anything”, “I don’t need any help”. But there is so much that we have absolutely no control over. He says until we realize this we can’t appreciate God’s special gift.

Father Barron always uses such great comparisons to explain a teaching, this time he uses the story of a man so deeply addicted to drugs. This man is completely out of control, as much as he tries to help himself he is powerless. He can’t help himself because his will is the very problem, his will is only toward the drugs, it is tainted. After loved ones convince him that he needs help he turns his life over to others, over to a higher power.

Father Barron explains that the human race is marked by original sin. We can try hard every day to live a sin free life, but we fail because we are human. This sin taints our will, it changes us and takes us away from God. There is nothing we can do to change that. We need a savior, someone who can break through our dysfunction and heal us. That savior is Jesus. At the second coming, when God comes back to earth, we will no longer have sin or evil, we will be glorified if we have lived according to His will and not ours.

So I want to be ready and worthy of that beautiful life God has planned specifically for me. I am trying this season to stop the rushing, stop the things that don’t really matter and concentrate on the one thing that does…GOD IN ALL HIS GLORY!

What does Katie understand? It’s a question I would pay a million dollars to answer. My biggest fear is that she understands more than I realize and that I talk below her level.

Most people who don’t know Katie well, either don’t talk to her, talk to her like a baby or talk really loud as if this will somehow help her understand more  clearly. I am not offended by this at all, I just try to explain that Katie does understand what we are saying. I know this because she absolutely responds to the people in her life that take the time to get to know her, the ones who talk to her like any other 11 year old.  When these people come around she lights up. It’s almost like she is saying, “Finally someone is taking the time to talk to me.”

I also know she understands because she nods or shakes her head when asked a yes or no question. When we hold up two colors and ask her to pick a certain one she almost always picks the correct one. She does the same with the letters in her name and various objects. She is in there, her brain is functioning. I think so often when we see people like Katie we just assume their brain just doesn’t work. Katie has a friend named Jerimiah who he has Cerebral Palsy, he recently started using a Dynavox Communication device. Just the other day he grabbed my arm so I stopped and said, “How are you today, Jeremiah?” It took him about 4 minutes to use the sensor on his forehead to select the correct response on his computer screen. After about 2 minutes, I admit I thought he was going in circles with his answers, but finally there it was as beautiful as ever…his response, “I’m good, how are you?”

When we assume things about others we most likely short change them.  Katie is teaching me this and because of her I try to think about this with every person I encounter. Like the homeless person on the side of the road, an old friend who has taken a wrong turn in life, a neighbors daughter who is hooked on drugs, the older person who is driving slow blocking traffic. These people are in front of me for a reason. Almost like a test. Will I look past them because they are not important to me, because they don’t understand anyway? Or will I take the time to assume they know more than I could ever imagine? When we judge others and withhold our love from them, we are doing it to Jesus.
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“When the son of Man comes in his glory, and all the angels with him, he will sit upon his glorious throne, and all the nations will be assembled before him. And he will separate them one from another…Then the king will say to those on his right, Come, you who are blessed by my Father. Inherit the Kingdom prepared for you…For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, a stranger and you welcomed me, naked and you clothed me…Amen, I say to you, whatever you did for one of these least brothers of mine, you did for me…Then he will say to those on his left, Depart from me, you accursed, into eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels…Amen, I say to you, what you did not do for one of these least ones, you did not do for me.” Matthew 25:31-46  

Every person on this earth is given breath by God so they are worth something. I know when people look past Katie and don’t take the time to know her, it hurts God. He put her here for a reason and one of those reasons is to teach us that things are not always what they seem. It’s the same with people we assume are just bad, like criminals  or people who just make bad choices. Yes, people make bad choices, but everyone has a reason they do what they do. Not an excuse, I’m not saying they should be allowed to do bad things. But maybe they have never been loved by anyone, not even their parents. Maybe crime is all they have ever been taught, it’s expected of them to live that life of crime. But if we take the time to show love, show them they are worth something maybe we can affect their life. One of the corporal works of mercy is visiting the imprisoned.

Also with people who are currently displaced. We recently made care packages in our MOMS group at church. We filled large ziplock bags with crackers, water, chapstick, wipes, toothbrushes and more, so we can give them to people on the side of the road who are asking for money. But I think the most important thing we included was a personal note saying, “You are worth something, you matter to me, you are loved and I am praying for you.”

I talk to Katie differently than I did 5 years ago. Partly because I’ve seen her progression, but mostly because I now see Christ in her. I see how He uses her to change people. She is worth so much more than I can ever imagine.

“For years, I have pulled the covers up over my head, dreading to begin another day I’d be bound to just wreck….I wake to the discontent of life in my skin. I wake to self-hatred. To the wrestle to get it all done, the relentless anxiety that I am failing. Always, the failing. I yell at children, fester with bitterness, forget doctor appointments, lose library books, live selfishly, skip prayer, complain…I live tired. Afraid. Anxious. Weary.” Ann Voskamp, One Thousand Gifts.

The book One Thousand Gifts was given to me a few years ago by my beautiful friend Marie. A few friends gathered once a week to do a book study, it was life changing. I remember reading the above exert and totally relating. When caring for a child who relies on you for everything, life can sometimes feel like a series of meaningless days. Kind of like the movie Groundhog Day, the same monotonous day over and over again. Voskamp describes these emotions as just going through the motions of life, not really living. So she presents the question, “How do I live more fully in this life on earth?”

Is it creating a fabulous Bucket List and making sure I experience all that this earth has to offer? Must I see the Grand Canyon before I die or could it be simpler? Can’t we find this beauty here and now? “Today I will embrace the skin of a boy child that my body grew from a seed.” Voskamp writes. Isn’t this miracle so much better than the Grand Canyon? So why don’t I get it? How do I find that beauty in my own mundane life?

“And he took bread, GAVE THANKS and broke it, and gave it to them.” Luke 22:19

The Greek word for GIVE THANKS is Eucharisteo. When you break this word down Charis means grace. “Jesus took the bread and saw it as grace and gave thanks.” (p. 31) Broken down even further Chara means joy. Isn’t joy what we are looking for in that bucket list? “Where can I seize this holy grail of joy?…Was this (word Eucharisteo) the clue to the quest of all most important? Deep Chara joy is found only at the table of Eucharisteo- the table of thanksgiving…The holy grail of joy is not in some exotic location or some emotional mountain peak experience. The joy wonder could be here!” (p. 33)

Voskamp goes on to say that in the Bible thanksgiving always precedes a miracle. And think about the reason for original sin. It all came about because Adam and Eve couldn’t see how wonderful their lives were. They were ungrateful and wanted more. That is me! Katie is the most incredible gift God could have ever given me. She is perfect and I continue to ask for more, I want her healed of this horrible affliction, but God made her perfect. Why can’t I see that?

“Thanksgiving is the evidence of our acceptance of whatever He gives.” (p. 35) Think about the last time someone gave you a gift. Did you say thank you? You may have even taken the time to write a special note to say how much the gift meant. If you don’t say thank you, the action is not complete. Everything we have is a gift from God. Yes, everything! Laundry, chocolate chip cookies, the feeding tube that makes our lives so different but allows me to nourish Katie, bedtime routine with kids screaming, ankle braces that help Katie walk holding my hand, the wheelchair I struggle to fold up and lift into the car every time we leave the house, the Ipad we use to help Katie communicate. So if we fail to say thank you, we are not completely accepting His gift.

So what about the ugliness of life? How do we say thanks for hardships? Could I actually say thank you God for not rescuing Katie from this neurological condition that has stolen so much. Voskamp says there is beauty in everything, the beauty is found in transforming the ugly to beautiful. That was an “Ah Ha” moment for me. I finally got it. No, I’m not going to say thank you God for her sickness, but I am going to say thank you God for the new perspective on life Katie has shown me, for the relationship she has helped me build with You, for the invaluable lessons she teaches her siblings, for the amazing side of her daddy I see, for this blog that is helping me grow and SO much more. In thanksgiving I am able to see the gift that is Katie because if she had been born as a typical child, who would I be? “Because eucharisteo is how Jesus, at the Last Supper, showed us to transfigure all things – take the pain that is given, give thanks for it, and transform it into joy that fulfills all emptiness.” (p. 53)
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The title “One Thousand Gifts” comes from a list that Voskamp starts, adding all the ordinary and extraordinary things in her life. The list changes her completely because she is recognizing and naming things, in turn validating everything. She becomes aware of the scent of jam on toast, the sound of a blue jay outside her window, the creak of her knees, the feel of the wind blowing her hair into her face. When she slows down and pays attention she says thank you and then sees the beauty in her mundane life.

So as we enter this Thanksgiving holiday, let’s all take the time to unplug from the things that are distracting us from the beauty around us. Let’s recognize the gifts that surround us in every moment of our day.

Photo by Emily Kuhn

This Thanksgiving I am grateful that my family of 5 is exactly where we are supposed to be, living this very “Special” ordinary life that God planned for us. Thank you God!

I’m also thankful for you reading this post right now, Please share your ordinary “Thankfuls”!

You are so amazing! You and Andy inspire me! God gives special people special children! You are so strong! These are the beautiful words spoken by so many of you, words that have lifted me so often. But these words also stopped me from answering God’s call to write this blog for a long time. My explanation to this is a bit tough for me because it involves discussing an ugly character flaw I’ve always had, but God sends me what He wants me to write and I just type, thanks God.

For as long as I can remember I have demanded attention. I was always the kid in the middle of the room singing and dancing, yelling LOOK AT ME with my actions. As I grew older I realized praises felt good. I have always lacked confidence in the brains department so I made up for it with my outgoing and often overbearing personality. I look back on so many conversations that revolved around me, I would typically start a phone call with, “Listen to this…” instead of “How are you today?” I can only imagine how exhausting I was to others.

When I began to grow in my relationship with God this character flaw became increasingly apparent to me and I felt shame for it. Shame for sometimes seeking the ego boost that came with these words especially when it came to Katie. The encouraging words had become a consolation for all the hard work.

Emily Kuhn Photography

So why do I crave these kind words? Because they make me feel better about myself. I was talking to my priest around Mother’s day this year and told him that the commercials about how wonderful moms are made me feel like crap. You know the ones with all those adjectives that I will never be. He said, that feeling actually comes from pride. It’s me wanting to be the perfect mom, wanting people to use those same words to describe me. As I grow in humility I realize it is okay for people to use real words to describe me, like impatient and annoying. Because when I humble myself and realize maybe they are right, then I will learn how to be better.

“This is the one I esteem: he who is humble and contrite in spirit, and trembles at my word.”        Isaiah 66:2

I’ve also learned that being humble means realizing that I can’t boast about anything because only God deserves the praises in my life. I am nothing without God.
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I have far to go, but God has definitely given me the grace to realize this humility. While journaling over the past few years God has continued to tell me to share Katie’s story. But I was fearful that bringing attention to myself would feed my ego and in turn feed this ugly character flaw. So I resisted for about a year. Obviously, I eventually gave in and what I have discovered is one of the most beautiful gifts God has given me. The compliments have poured in 10 times more than I had ever imagined. People are sharing my blog and even strangers are saying that these words have changed their lives. But instead of feeling great pride, I feel completely humbled. I feel like falling to my knees to praise God for using me to do His work. Truly I deserve no praise, God and God alone has control over these words. Why else would I write about my embarrassing character flaw? Because God knows that these specific words will help someone today.

The gospel reading this Sunday rang loudly to me as God was encouraging me to write about this post. It was the Parable of the Talents from Matthew’s gospel Chapter 25. The story about the man going on a journey and entrusting 3 of his servants with money. The first servant received 5 talents, he in turn invested them and received 5 more. The second servant received 2 and did the same receiving 2 additional talents. But the third servant, only given 1 talent, was afraid to lose it. He buried it in the ground for safe keepings. When the man returned he told the first and second servant, “Well done, my good and faithful servant. Since you were faithful in small matters, I will give you great responsibilities.” But to the third servant he said, “You wicked lazy servant!”

Harsh words! And I felt them personally, because another reason I delayed this blog was a fear of backlash, fear of being judged and fear of offending someone who has differing beliefs. The talents in this parable are all those gifts that God has bestowed on us so that we can spread His love. It is our faith! For me it was the ability to write and the gift of Katie. I had two choices, I could continue to use the challenges we face with Katie for my own self esteem or I could use the talent of writing to share her with others. For most of my life I held my faith as a very private matter, never to be talked about in front of others because who knows what they believe and I wouldn’t want to offend them. But now I know that is not right. I have great respect for all opinions and if I offend someone else I hope they will say something and speak about their beliefs. When we engage in conversation or even a little healthy debate now and then, we grow.

“I tell you, everyone who acknowledges me before others the Son of Man will acknowledge before the angels of God. But whoever denies me before others will be denied before the angels of God.”            Luke 12:8-9

Father Robert Barron had a challenge this week related to this reading. He said “…your faith will be increased in the measure in which you share it. Don’t wait until you have more faith, more knowledge to insure you don’t say the wrong thing. Share it now so your faith will grow, your knowledge will grow.” His challenge was this, “Find some path for the propagation of your faith, some way to concretely share it, maybe it is teaching Sunday school, talking more about God in your own home, maybe it’s hanging a cross at work, whatever it is, give it away. Difficult? Yes, but a great pay off.” I know so many of you reading this right now do this so beautifully already, I’ve learned to do what I am doing right now from so many of your examples! It takes humility to spread God’s love because you are taking a risk. A risk that God predicts and promises glory for in return.

“Indeed, all who desire to live a godly life in Christ Jesus will be persecuted.” 2 Timothy 3:12

“If you are insulted for the name of Christ, blessed are you, for the Spirit of glory and of God rests upon you.” 1 Peter 4:14

Her hands and feet were turning a grayish black color and they were drawing up to her body as if she were gasping for that last bit of oxygen she could pull in. Her face was starting to turn a dusky blue color. The hospital room quickly filled with doctors and nurses, then one doctor pulled a Bag Valve Mask off the wall and started pumping air into her mouth. I had seen enough episodes of Grey’s Anatomy to know that this was really bad. Questions were flying at us, we tried our best to answer. Then as quickly as she had entered the room she was rushed to the ICU where she would be put on a ventilator. I truly feared the worse for my precious Katie.

This summer, June 2014, the scene above resulted from a 2 1/2 hour long grand mal seizure and one lung collapsed after being crushed by her convulsing body. Why does Katie have to go through this after all she endures every day? Why does she have to suffer like this? It is a question that I can’t begin to answer! But I do know that after 4 days on a ventilator and 3 more days in ICU and the Step Down unit she came home. And within a few weeks she was completely back to her normal self. Our prayers were answered, just not according to our time frame.

 
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So why was she spared, while other children die? Why do parents have to lose their children in horrible kidnappings? Why do some people suffer extremely painful diseases that lead to death? Why do innocent children die so often in school shootings? There is so much suffering in this world today. So if God is all powerful, which we know He is, then why doesn’t He spare us from this pain? Because it is part of His plan.

“More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.” Romans 5:3-5

When I get weak and overwhelmed from caring for Katie, like this summer’s week long stay in the hospital, I ask God, “Why Me?” and He always says, “Why Not You? Are you better than Jesus Christ?”  Jesus suffered tremendous physical and emotional pain while on this earth. And that pain and suffering led to something so unimaginable…Heaven opening up to us!  Following are some excerpts from a pamphlet someone gave me titled Suffering, How to Make the Greatest Evil in Our Lives Our Greatest Happiness, by Father Paul O’Sullivan.

“Why does God allow us to suffer? Simply because He is asking us to take a little share in His Passion…  God suffered all the dreadful pains of His Passion for each one of us. How can we refuse to suffer a little for love of Him?…   If we accept the sufferings He sends us and offer them in union with His sufferings, we receive the greatest rewards. Five minutes’ suffering borne for love of Jesus is of greater value to us than years and years of pleasure and joy…   Suffering borne patiently brings out all that is good in us…   When God gives us any suffering, He always gives us strength to bear it, if we only ask Him. Many, instead of asking for His help, get excited and revolt. It is this excitement and impatience that really make suffering hard to bear…   Even the greater sufferings that may fall to our share from time to time become easier to bear if we accept them with serenity and patience. What really makes suffering difficult to bear is our own impatience, our revolt, our refusal to accept it. This irritation increases our sufferings a hundredfold and, besides, robs us of all the merit we could have gained thereby…   We may do all in our power to avoid or lessen our sufferings, but we cannot avoid all suffering. Therefore, it is clearly necessary for us to learn how to bear them.” Father Paul O’Sullivan

First of all, my greatest suffering comes from watching my child suffer, I am fully aware of the fact that I don’t know what true physical suffering is like at all. I know there is pain out there for which the depths I cannot even begin to imagine. Please know that I am only sharing sources that I have found comforting, I am not claiming to be an expert on the subject. But I can truly say that those words changed the way I look at suffering. I try now to stop myself and take a step back, to ask for help and help is always there. I think when we try to escape our sufferings we are actually punishing ourselves.

“Whoever does not bear his own cross and come after me cannot be my disciple.” Luke 14:27

Another reason I think we suffer in this world is because of natural consequences. When God made Adam and Eve His plan was for them to stay holy and pure, but He gave them Free Will. We all know how well free will went for them, in no time they were chomping on that apple. We were all made exactly as Adam and Eve, God equipped us with everything we need to make the right choices in life, but he also gave us that darn free will. That free will is what so often get us in trouble. We want to do what feels right, what makes us happy right now. But that doesn’t always line up with what God wants and we sin.

As we fall there are natural consequences. Greedy business men put chemicals in our food to  make them bigger, last longer and produce more money which leads to obesity, heart problems and I believe cancer and death, Natural Consequences. Sexual relations outside of marriage with multiple partners is portrayed as the norm and AIDS and STDs enter the world, Natural Consequences.

Because we want to gratify our every thought, we want more money, we want what we want, we want to avoid anything that is not comfortable we in turn create our own sufferings. God wants us to be like Him, putting good before evil, putting Him first. I believe there is beauty in suffering, God will bring good out of all suffering. Like someone dying a horribly painful death to cancer and then hundreds who loved that person gather every year to walk in her honor and raise money for her cause. Those loved ones were forever changed by her suffering, they use it to create good in the world.

We often lose sight of the fact that this life is only a blink of an eye compared to eternity. If we accept our sufferings on earth with grace and dignity we will be rewarded in heaven. I know one day Katie will be running, dancing and talking Gods ear off when she enters the gates of heaven.

“For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us.” Romans 8:18